anomaly

no, it's not about that new favorite coffee place, although that place is extremely soothing, when there aren't too many people around. it's about my state of being. me being the anomaly of everything, everyone. it has been quite interesting as a matter of fact. i have been enjoying it.

so, i have been the anomaly among my group of friends. i am the only chinese - who doesnn't look like one, the only christian, and now the only - out of a few - who doesn't smoke. not that it matters that much. but, yes. most of my bestest friend smoke. it gets more intense as we entered our twenties. probably the adulthood and legal age gives us justification to do what we think suits us best. i don't mind that.

i don't like smokes, i don't get why people are doing it, (even after i make a thesis about it.) i crave for fresh cloves from a freshly opened box of cigarettes, but that's about as far as i can go. i was thinking about it the other day. a friend brought the topic up and i all of a sudden get a hollow feeling. probably the unstable hormone that has been giving me tantrums for the last month helped, but i was sad. i remember this one time, i found out that a good friend of mine smoke -although i knew by then he was a typical smoker- i was heartbroken. but nothing really changed. i keep hanging out with them. as more friends smoke, i would found myself having to find a restaurant with smoking area just when i'm with them. my clothes would smell like smoke and i'm pretty relieved that my mom trusted me that i don't smoke. i make fun of my friends who recently smokes - knowing that she unintendedly told her dad that she smokes and her dad refuse to talk for weeks. i don't mind if they have a smoking time, which usually means they would step aside to a smoking area in our office or in a restaurant to smoke - and this happens more frequently.i used to join them when they do this, just because i would like to join the talk. but lately i rather not.

and i have never really thought about it. i thought it was just a matter of choice that i would rather have fresh oxygen instead of the tars, although the talk usually worth all the effort of holding my breath. a couple months back another two friends smoke. and as it had happened before, i was taken aback but responded in a more "well, it's human and they have a choice to do so, so be it" manner. but last night talk was rather awakening. i was talking with a friend and she brought this up. and i never realized how much my friends decision to smoke had affected me. i never thought it did. i don't avoid them, i would keep telling them stories, i wouldn't mind spending my time crying with them if they need me to. but it occur to me that ever since most of my friend decided to smoke, it created a distance that i could never reach.

in a way, big deal. so what. it wouldn't change their being. but then, i guess it was the reflection of the anomaly i had been. it was a blessing of the diverse group of inner circle that i have been having. and even with those differences (speaking of SARA? meet my group, it's haven for that) i could relate with even the differences to the fullest. when they choose to not pray, because a boss told them to - just because they don't want the sacred ritual gets obligatory. or when their family values confront our freewill way of living.

so last night, i talked about this with a friend, who -too- recently smoke. i said the differences that we had has always been relate-able, but i could never reach their understanding upon their decision to smoke. and it outcast me in a way. for not being able to understand. and it gives yet another distant [like i need some more.] and not understanding, makes me feel like schmidt. in a way, it makes me feel like a bad friend.

it bothers me for bothering. it bothers me that my friends are concerned. they know i am bothered. it concerns me that they have to think about me bothering it, thus feeling uncomfortable with themselves. it bothers me when they have to go every once in a while just to respect my preference. it bothers me i have to keep myself away, when i don't feel like being in a room full of smoke. and last night was the first time i grief for the distance. i grief because this small matter has always been something i could not let myself compromise. it was a grief i could never lay tears for. it was a distance i could never chase. and the thing is. uff, i don't know.

so, yes, i was casted in my own thoughts last night. but, this shouldn't mean anything. i mean it doesn't change who they are. it might affect my way to respect their differences in choosing things. but we have never been the same and similar group anyway.

i woke up this morning, saying that i wouldn't let this ruin what we had. now i understand the meaning of hollow. it feels just like that this morning. but really, this shouldn't mean anything - a friend told me i need to suck it up. so, consider it done. i have no rights to judge, they never did.