that black.

had a talk with a friend last night of a parallel life that might have existed putting different decisions in place of what had had. it was a silencing closure of the intense talk that we did- over him most of the time. the closure was upon me. and i haven't actually meddle in my own self and thoughts, and i think he was speaking my mind. i think i regret that he brought this up yet again, since i have been there so many times, that parallel life of mine. and yes, the decision i made probably took me through a different course of life, which i don't mind. or i don't mind since i wouldn't have known any others. or i think i would know other way of living, but this one that i have now, doesn't harm a bit and actually lead me to had the talk last night. i think he was trying to put revenge on me.

had the decision to leave the ticket and stick with that newspaper was made, it would have been an entrapment of self pursuing fame - which being brought up in a chinese academic focused community made it all well absorbed by then that it's simply endless. seeing your name to be put upon newspaper, buildings, papers, name cards, any printable thing, or even the pursue that was made, is an endless race. but then what ifs were something that i have been avoiding. i knew the purpose was not it.

had the ticket was left, there is no talk. the intense building entrapment would not taken into account. the account would be filled with rewards. the reward was my own. that is not how i want to own life.